Understanding the Crying: Why It Happens When Teaching Your Baby to Sleep Independently

If there’s one part of teaching independent sleep that makes every parent hesitate, it’s the crying.

It’s emotional. It’s uncomfortable. And honestly, it can bring up all kinds of doubts. Am I doing the right thing? Am I meeting my baby’s needs? Will this hurt our bond?

You’re not alone for feeling that way! The truth is, no parent wants to hear their baby cry, especially when you’re working so hard to do what’s best for them. But crying during the sleep learning process isn’t always what it seems.

Why Crying Happens

When your baby is learning something new, whether it’s rolling over, crawling, or sleeping independently, there’s often frustration at first. Sleep is no different.

Crying is your baby’s way of saying, “This is new. I don’t understand yet.” It’s communication, not rejection. It doesn’t mean their needs aren’t met, it means they’re working through a change.

Just because you don’t immediately stop the crying doesn’t mean your baby’s needs have been ignored. Their physical and emotional needs are still being met—they’re fed, safe, warm, and loved. You’re giving them space to practice a skill while still being their secure base.

Crying During Sleep Training Isn’t Harmful

Here’s the part I want parents to really hear: crying doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. You’re helping your baby learn a skill that will benefit their growth, development, and overall well-being. Babies want to be sleeping, but they don’t always know how. That’s where your guidance makes all the difference!

And here’s some reassurance backed by research:

- Short, controlled crying does not harm babies. Studies show that sleep training methods, including controlled comforting and check-in approaches, do not increase long-term stress or negatively affect attachment.

- Better rest strengthens your bond. When both parent and child are well-rested, parents are more patient, present, and emotionally attuned, which actually supports secure attachment.

- Crying is communication, not distress. Most cries during sleep training are protest cries—a natural way for babies to express confusion or frustration when learning a new skill.

When babies do learn to sleep independently, something really beautiful happens: your bond actually grows stronger! When both you and your baby are well-rested, there’s more connection, more patience, and more joy in your days together. You have the space to be present, playful, and calm, and your baby feels that security too.

This is where your consistency and calm reassurance come in. You’re not abandoning them. You’re teaching them!

What’s Actually Going On

When your baby cries during sleep learning, their brain is working hard to adjust to new patterns. They’re learning to connect sleep cycles on their own and fall asleep in a new way.

At first, that change feels big, but babies adapt quickly when the approach is consistent and loving. The crying typically lessens within days as they begin to understand the new rhythm.

How You Can Support Your Baby Through It

You can make the process feel safe and predictable by:

• Creating a consistent bedtime routine that cues relaxation and comfort

• Responding calmly and confidently during check-ins

• Keeping your approach consistent so your baby learns what to expect

• Reminding yourself that crying is communication, not a measure of your love or their security

Allowing Crying Doesn’t Mean Ignoring It

There’s a big difference between allowing crying and ignoring your baby.

Allowing crying means you understand that tears might be part of the learning process, but you’re still there emotionally connected, calm, and confident. You might offer verbal reassurance, check-ins, or comforting presence depending on your approach.

The key is that your baby knows: “I’m safe. My parents are near. I can do this.”

For You, Parents

I know how hard it is to hear your baby cry, even for a few minutes. It pulls at your heart because you care deeply and that’s a beautiful thing! But sometimes the most loving thing we can do is allow space for growth. Teaching independent sleep is something you’re doing for your child, to help them get the rest they (and you!) need to thrive.

So if your baby cries while they’re figuring it out, remember: They’re not broken. You’re not failing. They’re learning, and you’re leading with love, patience, and trust!

References

• Gradisar, M., Gardner, G., & Dohnt, H. (2016). Behavioral interventions for infant sleep problems: A randomized controlled trial. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(2), 171–178. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27221288/
This study found that both graduated extinction and bedtime fading methods improved infant sleep without adverse effects on attachment or child emotional development.

• Bilgin, A., & Wolke, D. (2020). Parental use of ‘cry it out’ in infants: No adverse effects on attachment and behavioural development at 18 months. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 61(11), 1184–1193. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32155677/
This longitudinal study concluded that allowing infants to “cry it out” did not negatively impact attachment or behavioral development at 18 months.

• Price, A. M. H., et al. (2012). Five-year follow-up of harms and benefits of behavioral infant sleep intervention. Pediatrics, 129(3), e634–e640. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22966034/
This five-year follow-up study found no long-term negative effects on child mental health, parenting, or the parent-child relationship from behavioral sleep interventions.

• Middlemiss, W., et al. (2012). Asynchrony of mother-infant hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis activity during infant sleep training. Developmental Psychobiology, 54(3), 291–300. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21945361/
This study observed that mothers and infants experienced physiological asynchrony during sleep training, suggesting that the process can be emotionally challenging for parents, highlighting the importance of supportive parenting during sleep training.

• Symon, B., et al. (2017). The joy of parenting: Infant sleep intervention to improve maternal emotional well-being and infant sleep. Singapore Medical Journal, 58(3), 167–172. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26915392/
This study found that a single behavioral sleep consultation significantly improved maternal emotional well-being and reduced infant sleep problems.

• Bai, L., et al. (2022). Maternal nighttime sleep and infant-mother attachment: A longitudinal study. Developmental Psychobiology, 64(2), e22306. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35298188/
This study emphasized that poor maternal sleep can negatively impact both parenting and infant socioemotional development, underscoring the importance of addressing sleep issues for both mothers and infants.